Sunday December 26, 2010
"Don Coons cornered me at church today and grilled me about Brad. He is obsessed with the idea of us getting married. I told him it stresses me out and im keeping my options open:). He told me to give him a couple months and then we can love each other. I said 'how about a year and a half? I kinda want to go on a mission.' He laughed and said it wasn't necessary. I think it's funny that Don is rooting so hard for this, and I don't know how I feel about it. Goodness, I need to stop letting these things get to me! Can I just write down what I really want? I just need to get it off my chest. I haven't shared these feelings with anyone because I am so scared they will come back to hurt me. I am so vulnerable right now. I want Brad to love me. And I want to love him. I want us to date over the summer and get married in December. There. I said it. The whole mission idea has been my back up choice all along. But now that I've really been feeling strongly urged to go on a mission I don't think the whole Brad thing is going to work out. I think Heavenly Father has another plan for me. I don't want another plan! I want me and Brad to work out. But it's frustrating because HF knows what's best. I just can't seem to fathom liking someone as much as I do Brad. Am I completely crazy? He just affects me so much. It's like our lives are so innerconnected and our pasts so intertwined that I can't bear to try and unravel the emotions enveloped in our relationship. I've tried to start breaking the threads while he's been gone, but somehow they always grow back stronger than ever. Ok, I am crazy. I'm madly in love with someone that could end up destroying me. My life is a mess...2 more months until my life goes crazy. Just wait. I think i'm just being emotional now. This next year could be amazing, depressing, or me becoming a missionary."
Good thing Heavenly Father DOES know me and wants me to be happy. Cause being married to Brad makes me feel that way.
And as for the mission, that will happen someday:)